Kate: I’m just not sure what the logistics of bumping uglies with aliens are. Holly: If you play Mass Effect and don’t fall in love with this insect/cat hybrid then I have no respect for you. Kate: You start off in life being all like, “ugh, I would never want to have sex with a beetle”… and then you meet Garrus. The critically acclaimed fantasy adventure from Lionhead is filled with salacious humour and focuses heavily on romance and relationships. Or was it pain? Anyway, I never had sex again. All that was left on screen were two blobby conjoined naked humans writhing around in ecstasy. Kate: One time I deleted the bed, because deleting Sims was the way to make them happy again (also horrific) – but there was a glitch and it didn’t actually delete the Sims – just the bed.
You’re enjoying a post-coital cuddle and then suddenly a green diamond appears above you and a little lullaby twinkle plays.
Kate: Imagine if that happened in reality. Also, let’s not forget the creepy baby noise that plays when you conceive. A jump under the sheets, a few literal pyrotechnics, and wham, bam, you’re done. And then you watch them roll around under a thin sheet, and blush furiously, imagining that one of the lumps of polygons is you. And, nine times out of 10, in your head, those people just happen to be you and the person you’re crushing on in real-life. You created these people, and you have manipulated them into a sexy situation. But yes, the weirdest thing about Sims sex is that you’re kind of the sex director. Well, you don’t control the mechanics of it – that all happens under the covers. More importantly it’s boning that you control. It’s the first game a lot of people play that explicitly has a whole load of boning in it. Holly: Sims has been the sexual frustration stress ball for many a pre-teen. Kate: In Sims 2, all it takes to bone someone is to invite them to cuddle and it just goes from there – which isn’t necessarily realistic. Holly: I’m sure Jonathan Augustus Maximilian Rufus Anderson would have been impressed you tried though.ĮA’s life sim allows players to build a house then populate it with AI characters who can be “persuaded” to fall in love and make out with each other. Once I tried to shave someone’s entire name into mine, but I ran out of space … Holly: The fact your character shaves something rude into her pubes to make Sera laugh and you both end up giggling yourselves off the bed is adorable. Although it’s stiffly animated, it shows the intimacy of a good friendship. You get to see your character and Sera interacting in this really human way, in that they’re both making dumb jokes and being a bit awkward and then they end up screwing anyway. Kate: The best bit about this is how dorky it is. Often games fall into the whole “ooh, this is so passionate and therefore serious” convention that we recognise from Hollywood movies, but Sera’s scene in Inquisition reminds us that sex can occasionally be silly and fun. Holly: Right, this is a personal favourite of mine. Holly: If I see one more fade to black then suddenly NAKED … Kate: It’s mostly moaning sounds and really solid bosoms. Holly: Let’s be honest, sex in games is rarely super sexy sex.
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